I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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