do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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