My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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