Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
