Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
