Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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