my vag is so smooth its legendary
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
