My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
