I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
