my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize