Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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