you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize