Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
