Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize