pop tarts are not kleenex
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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