I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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