so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
