and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
