i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
