Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
