In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
