Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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