I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
