I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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