i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
