mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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