so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
And then he peed in my hair
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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