Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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