I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
