Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize