Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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