You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Couch. On fire.
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