I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
