There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
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