I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
