I feel like abortions should bother me more
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
