i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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