There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
