phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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