i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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