I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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