honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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