so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
