i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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