found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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