I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
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