this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
