dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
