He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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