how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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