My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
