Ketchup is God's man juice
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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