There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
