My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
