You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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