No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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