This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
