Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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