new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
