his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Your cock deserves a montage
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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