Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
