her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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