That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize