Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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