So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Found the puke drawer
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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