Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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