just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
