god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
