shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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