Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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