just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
